


My Home

by bambam1a



Series: Mayday [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, BamBam-centric, Gen, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 10:57:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11311956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bambam1a/pseuds/bambam1a
Summary: 5 times Bambam has a panic attack and the members are there to help and support him.





	My Home

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! This is literally five different panic attacks, so if you know you'll get triggered, don't read!! If you're not sure, be careful :(
> 
> But hello! I am back with another Bambam-centric fic! This is like a sequel to Mayday (which, if you don't know, is the first part of this series and it has the same name, Mayday) but I guess it can be read as a separate work, you don't really have to read Mayday to understand this one! But if you like this one, check out Mayday because it's really similar to this one.
> 
> I realized how hard it actually is to write five different scenarios that are basically the same, but completely different. Especially with my limited writing skills and knowledge of the English language OTL. But I hope this is good, I always dislike my own works anyway LOL.
> 
> But let's gooo

**i.**

Bambam's heart was beating so fast and tears were pouring down his cheeks. His shaking hands were covering his face as he tried to breathe, but the pressure in his chest made it impossible. He was sitting on the floor of his and Yugyeom's room, legs bent and cold sweat was dripping down his back and he just wanted to _breathe._ He'd never get used to this, he thought, no matter how many times he found himself shaking and gasping for breath. No matter how many times the panic attacks happened, it was always the same, never easier.

”Bam-” the door opened and Youngjae walked in. Bambam looked through his fingers as Youngjae froze and then turned around. ”Hyung!” he called for Jinyoung, him being the only one in the dorm with them. Youngjae had a hint of panic in his voice and it made the pressure in Bambam's chest intensify and he let out a choked sob. Youngjae whipped around again and rushed to kneel next to Bambam.

”It's okay Bambam, everything's fine,” he said, his voice calm but shaky. He took Bambam's wrist and pulled his hand away from his face, Bambam dropped the other hand down too. Bambam squeezed Youngjae's hand, which was holding his own, tightly. 

Jinyoung walked in and was about to speak but then his eyes landed on Bambam. He said nothing as he walked to them and sat in front of Bambam. Bambam was breathing quickly, way too quickly, and he was sobbing. 

”Bambam, you're okay, just breathe,” Jinyoung said and when Bambam made eye contact with him, Jinyoung saw the _panic_ in his eyes. It made Jinyoung's heart sink even more. 

”B-but I c-can't,” Bambam cried. He was still holding Youngjae's hand, not as tight anymore, and Youngjae could feel how hard he was shaking. As if it wasn't obvious without feeling, Bambam was shaking like a leaf on the floor. 

”Listen. I'll count to four and you'll breathe in, okay? Then I count again and you breathe out,” Jinyoung said and Bambam nodded. And so they started. It wasn't as easy as it sounded, Bambam was panicking and he wasn't able to breathe in as slowly as he was supposed to. But Jinyoung and Youngjae helped him. 

Bambam felt safe with the two and it made it easier to focus, to understand what he had to do. Youngjae's hand in his own and Jinyoung's gentle voice made it okay, _everything was okay_. His eyes closed as he took another deep breath in, and then out. Tears were still wetting his cheeks but the shaking had subsided. The anxiety was still a pressure in his chest, but it wasn't as bad anymore and now he actually could breathe. He sighed and deflated, sliding even more down. 

Jinyoung reached to wipe the tears from Bambam's face and the younger opened his eyes. The panic wasn't there anymore, now he just looked _tired._

”Come on,” Jinyoung said and stood up. Youngjae got up, pulling Bambam with him. ”Let's go to the living room.”

 

When Jaebum, Jackson, Mark and Yugyeom returned to the dorm they found Jinyoung, Youngjae and Bambam on the couch. Bambam had his head on Jinyoung's lap, feet on Youngjae's lap and he was sleeping. Jinyoung's eyes were immediately on the other members when they walked in. ”Be quiet, Bam's sleeping,” Jinyoung said to them and Mark raised his eyebrows. 

”What's up?” Jaebum asked and sat on one of the chairs. ”He had a panic attack, Youngjae found him in his and Yugyeom's room,” Jinyoung explained and petted Bambam's hair. Jaebum frowned, they all felt the same. They were worried about Bambam.

 

**ii.**

The panic attacks weren't always the same, Bambam had noticed. They didn't always have him gasping for breath and crying, sometimes he just felt really overwhelmed and nauseated. It didn't make them any easier or more fun though, it was just as bad. He just constantly felt like he was gonna throw up, couldn't focus on anything and his whole body shook. The shaking and rapid heartbeat were always there.

They were in the middle of an interview when Bambam started feeling it. The nausea slowly crept in and it made him panic more, which made his hand start shaking. He squeezed his fist shut to prevent the shaking. His lips were trembling as he tried to keep the smile on his face, he wasn't sure what the others were talking about anymore as he just tried to keep his panic hidden, he didn't want his panic attack to be recorded, or even worse, aired for everyone to see. At least it wasn't live. He took a shallow breath and glanced down to his hands.

Jackson, who was sitting next to Bambam, glanced to his friend and when he saw his shaking hands, fisted on his lap, Jackson knew. He could see it on Bambam's face too, Jackson needed to do something. He couldn't just let this happen to Bambam, the younger boy had once voice his fears. He was constantly scared, especially after getting the medication and therapy sessions that one day everyone would know how ”messed up” he was, it wasn't true though, he wasn't messed up. Bambam was scared that everyone would find out about his anxiety, he was scared that he'd have a panic attack when they were in the middle of a filming. And it was happening right now, Jackson knew. 

”Ah, excuse me,” Jackson said, cutting Jaebum mid-sentence. They all turned to look at him. ”Can we take a small break, I need to use the toilet,” Jackson lied. The PDs looked a bit confused, staff glancing at each other until one of them shrugged. ”Okay, let's take a five minute break and we'll continue,” she said and Jackson got up quickly. He took Bambam's wrist and pulled the other boy with him while the rest of the members looked at them knowingly. Mark quietly followed the two to the toilet as well.

 

”Sit, Bam,” Jackson said and sat Bambam on the toilet lid in one of the stalls. ”How do you feel?” he continued after a pause, unsure what to say. 

”I don't know,” Bambam mumbled and looked at his hands. Nothing seemed to make sense to him and he was sure he was gonna vomit any moment. ”I feel like throwing up,” he said, voice breaking. 

”It's alright, if it happens, it happens. It's okay,” Mark said. Bambam felt a hand in his hair and the world around him spun. He lifted his gaze slightly and pulled away from the hand. ”Sorry,” he whispered and stretched out his hand, he found it more comforting when someone was holding his hand. ”I'll put on some music, if that's okay. I found this good song the other day,” Jackson spoke and soon a soft piano melody filled the restroom. It was slow and calm, Bambam tried to focus on it. 

Mark and Jackson kept looking between Bambam and each other. Mark was squatting in the stall, holding Bambam's hand, and Jackson was standing just outside, phone in his hand. 

”We need to go back soon, how do you think he'll react?” Jackson spoke quietly to Mark. The older shrugged and glanced at Bambam. 

”He shouldn't have to go back, you know, if he was uncomfortable enough to get an attack,” Mark frowned and Jackson agreed.

”He is right here, you know,” Bambam spoke, in his ”normal” voice, not mumbling or whispering anymore. Jackson and Mark both snapped their heads towards Bambam. 

”You okay?” Mark asked and Bambam nodded. ”I'm fine now, sorry,” he apologized once more. Mark shook his head, ”You don't have to apologize Bam, we've told you so before. It's okay, not your fault,” Mark said and stood up. Bambam just shrugged as an answer. 

The door to the bathroom opened and Yugyeom popped in. ”Uhm, they're asking you to come back, how's he?” Yugyeom whispered, walking closer to Jackson, who was the only one Yugyeom was able to see. Bambam stood up in the stall and pushed Mark out so he could get out too. ”I'm okay, let's go,” he said and smiled at Yugyeom, who smiled right back at him and wrapped his arm around Bambam's waist as they walked out. 

”Keep an eye on him,” Mark said to Jackson.

 

It did make Bambam feel a bit uneasy to go back to the interview but he was okay. Mark looked at Bambam and smiled when Bambam was laughing loudly at something Jackson had just said.

When they were leaving Bambam got in the same car with Jackson, Mark and Youngjae. He squeezed himself against Jackson. ”Thank you so much, hyung, for what you did earlier,” he said quietly. He was really grateful for Jackson and how he handled the situation, getting Bambam out of the interview and room. ”It's okay, the least I could do,” Jackson answered and ruffled Bambam's hair.

 

**iii.**

They had been practicing for ten hours already, it was ten o'clock in the evening and they all were tired and sweaty. Bambam's anxiety had been steadily growing in the past two hours but he was okay, really. He just kept staring at his reflection in the mirror, making sure he did all the right moves and was in sync with the others. He hadn't had a panic attack in two weeks, must be a record, and the meds seemed to work, he couldn't let it happen now. 

The song started again. Bambam did his moves, trying to ignore his rapid heartbeat and pressure in his chest. When dancing, their heartbeats of course got fast and they got out of breath, but now that Bambam's anxiety made an appearance too, it was worse. So much worse. His breathing became strained. Trying to blink the tears of panic out of his eyes, Bambam just continued.

It was just when he accidentally stumbled into Youngjae that his panic took over. ”Bam-” Jaebum already started, voice frustrated. They all were that, frustrated and tense. Bambam just shook his head as he hid his face in his hands and burst into tears. His breathing quickened and he felt like he couldn't breathe. Jaebum's face softened and he walked to Bambam, rubbing his arm as he quietly spoke to him. ”Do you want to get out?” Jaebum asked and Bambam shook his head again, it wasn't the room that made him feel like this.

Jinyoung and Mark were ushering their staff out of the room, saying they needed some time. Most of their staff knew about Bambam's situation so they just nodded and silently left. 

Jaebum guided Bambam to sit on the couch and Yugyeom sat on the other side of his best friend. There was a random magazine laying on the floor, Yugyeom took it and started fanning Bambam with it. The other boy dropped his hands from his face to allow the air to cool him down. He felt too hot and his breaths were just gasps as he felt like he was suffocating. Sobs found their way between his gasps too and he felt _terrible_. He was dying, there was no other explanation. He looked at Jaebum through his blurry vision and gripped his t-shirt. 

”It's okay, Bam, it's okay,” Jaebum repeated and rubbed Bambam's arm, trying to calm him down.

Bambam closed his eyes and dropped his head against Jaebum's shoulder as he heard the older quietly count. Breathe in, _1, 2, 3, 4_. Breathe out, _1, 2, 3, 4._ The pressure started to ease as he got his breathing under control again. 

After a while Bambam squeezed closer to Jaebum and let Jaebum wrap his arms around him. ”Can we just go home?” Bambam whispered to the leader and he nodded. Jaebum looked up to Jinyoung, the other four members were standing in the room, looking at the three on the couch. ”It's been a long day, go tell them we're going home now,” Jaebum said and Jinyoung nodded, leaving the room without a word. 

Bambam hated how it always create a scene when he got a panic attack. It made everyone worried and Bambam didn't want that. He didn't want to worry anyone. He spaced out as he gathered his stuff, jacket, phone and earphones. The attacks always made him shaky and more anxious, this one was no different. He could still feel slight pressure on his chest and kept taking deep breaths to ease it. 

 

**iv.**

Airports and airplanes were something that made Bambam easily anxious nowadays. Flights always made him giddy and he didn't sleep that well before them anymore. Bambam bit his bottom lip as the anxiety spread through his body. He was wearing a mask and a cap, attempting to cover his whole face. It was something he did pretty often nowadays, not always though, but sometimes. He was yet to have a panic attack at the airport, he didn't know how he had avoided that, he had had a few attacks in the plane, but never at the airport. But you know, the day had to come.

When Yugyeom heard a weird noise, between choking and throwing up, he turned to look at Bambam, who was sitting next to him. They were in a cafe at the airport, just passing time and waiting until they had to go. Youngjae was sitting in front of them. Fans were outside, constantly taking pictures of them.

”Bambam?” Yugyeom whispered quietly. His best friend turned to look at him, eyes wet. ”An attack?” Yugyeom continued and Bambam nodded. He looked down when a few tears slipped out of his eyes, wetting the edge of his mask. 

”Okay, do you have your earphones?” Yugyeom asked. There were too many people, Yugyeom couldn't just drag Bambam somewhere private, and even if he tried, fans would follow them. 

”No, I don't know where they are,” Bambam said and sniffled. At this point Youngjae lifted his gaze and looked at the two. ”Show me your bag, I'll find them,” Yugyeom said and took Bambam's bag. He just needed to find the earphones so he could put on some music for Bambam.

Youngjae started a conversation with Bambam as Yugyeom started rummaging through the bag.

”How do you feel?” Youngjae asked and pulled out his own earphones. ”I-I can't breathe well and I feel nauseated,” Bambam mumbled and leaned on his hand. Youngjae nodded. 

”Do you want some water?” he asked and handed his bottle to Bambam, who pulled his mask down and accepted the water. Youngjae looked how the bottle shook in Bambam's hand as his hands were shaking. 

”There are so many people here,” Bambam said, the panic evident in his voice. 

”It's okay, Bam-” Youngjae started but Yugyeom's ”Found them!” interrupted him. Bambam put the earphones in as Yugyeom took his phone and searched for something slow and calm.

Bambam closed his eyes and turned his head away from the fans, towards Yugyeom. He didn't pull his mask back up, he just let it be and it made him feel better, not having it covering his face. While it made him feel better by hiding him, it also made him feel suffocated when he panicked. Bambam felt Yugyeom take his hand but he didn't open his eyes. He just focused on the music, on breathing, to feel better so he'd be okay for the flight.

 

Youngjae's phone started ringing minutes later. ”It's Mark hyung,” Youngjae said and he and Yugyeom looked at each other. They were probably calling because they'd need to go soon.

”Hyung?” Youngjae answered. 

”Where are you? Do you know about Yugyeom and Bam? You should come, we're going soon,” Mark spoke. 

”Yeah, we're coming soon, once Bambam feels better,” Youngjae said and glanced at the younger boy. 

”Oh no, is it bad? Where are you?” Mark said and Youngjae could hear someone, Jinyoung?, speaking in the background too. 

”It's not bad, we're at a cafe. We'll come soon,” Youngjae said and they ended the call. The last thing they now needed was one of the hyungs to rush to them, alarming the fans and people around them. Youngjae just hoped they would just stay put. 

Yugyeom poked Bambam and he opened his eyes. Bambam pulled out one of his earphones. ”How do you feel?” Yugyeom asked. 

”I feel much better, anxious still but better,” Bambam said and sent them a small smile. ”We need to go, the others are waiting,” Yugyeom said and Bambam nodded. He pulled up his mask and the three of them left the cafe, fans following right behind them.

It was only when they reached the other members when Bambam realized he and Yugyeom were still holding hands. He snorted but didn't let go. Mark was instantly there with Jaebum, asking him if he was okay. Bambam reassured them that he was, really.

 

**v.**

Bambam woke up in the middle of the night, panicking. The panic was squeezing his chest, he couldn't breathe, it was bad. He was wet with sweat and his heart was pounding _so fast_. He scrambled up from his bed and rushed out of the room. He didn't know what to do. He was gasping, whole body shaking so violently he was barely able to stand. 

_Calm down. Calm down._

Bambam kept repeating the same words in his head, but it only made it worse. He couldn't _calm down._ The panic was filling his body, everything around him was blur and _wait_ were the walls getting closer? Bambam stumbled forwards but his legs gave up and he fell on the floor. He curled up on a ball and sobs escaped his mouth, tears were pouring down his cheeks and he was crying, gasping, shaking. 

Bambam hadn't taken his medication for almost two weeks. He hadn't had a panic attack for a month before that and he thought he'd be okay. And he felt triumphant when it had been days and he still hadn't had an attack. He hadn't told the other members or his therapist. He just wanted to wait a while before telling that he could stop taking the meds. But now it seemed like that wasn't the case.

He pulled himself up from the floor and stumbled to the kitchen. Maybe water would help. He took a glass and filled it with water, but he didn't drink. No. He just stared at his hand, it was shaking so much the water was splashing over the edges. Before he could notice, he glass slipped out of his grip. It shattered on the floor, glass and water flying everywhere. Bambam sobbed as he took a step backwards, he ended up pushing the metal fruit bowl on the floor as well. The bowl let out a loud clang and Bambam flinched. He dropped on his knees, still crying and trying to take a breath. He starting gathering the shards of glass and didn't even notice the sting as the glass cut his fingers. 

But he gave up on the glass. He tried to wipe the tears from his face but they kept coming. He crawled forwards to the corner of the room. He just sat on the floor, gasping and holding his chest. The whole room was blurry and he wanted to die. He felt like he was dying so why didn't he. He just wanted this to stop.

 

Youngjae opened his door and looked around, Jaebum and Mark had already come out of their rooms and Jackson opened his door as well. They all had woken up for the loud noises, coming from their kitchen apparently. 

”What's that?” Youngjae said but no one had time to answer as Yugyeom slammed his door open.

”Is it Bam? He's not in his bed?” the maknae said and everyone listened. Someone was… Crying? Definitely crying. And gasping loudly, which almost sounded painful. 

They didn't say another word as Jinyoung came out of his room as well and they moved to the kitchen to see what was happening. Jaebum turned on the light and everyone froze for a second at the sight. There was Bambam, on the floor crying. Bananas and apples were on the floor with the bowl and there was glass and water next to Bambam. _And_ Bambam had blood on his face. 

”Bambam,” Jaebum said steadily and kneeled in front of the sobbing boy. 

”I-I can't b-breathe! I c-can't breathe!” Bambam repeated hysterically. Jaebum gripped his hand tight, maybe too tight but it grounded Bambam a little bit at least. 

”Yes you can. Let's count, okay?” Jaebum spoke and Bambam shook his head. ”I can't!” he yelled loudly. He looked behind Jaebum and saw Mark picking up the fruits and Yugyeom swiping the glass. He had made that mess. 

”I-I'm so sorry!” he cried and Jaebum grabbed his jaw and forced Bambam to just look at him. ”Bambam, it's alright. Just listen, let's breathe together, okay?” Jaebum said and Bambam still tried to resist. 

”Like this,” Jaebum said and started counting as he breathed deeply in and out. Bambam was looking at him with wet eyes, chest moving quickly as he took shallow and rapid breaths. He tried, he really tried to take a deep breath, just like Jaebum showed. But he couldn't. His lungs didn't seem to work properly and just kept gasping.

”You can do it,” Jaebum said and squeezed his hand. Bambam looked Jaebum in the eye and _tried._ It took a moment to succeed, it felt like a forever to Bambam, but in reality it was only a few minutes. _He could do it._

He breathed in, and out. ”Just like that, again,” Jaebum said and Bambam did as told. Jaebum continued encouraging him softly and finally, _finally_ Bambam felt like he could breathe again. Jackson gave Jaebum a glass of water and a straw. ”Do you want to drink?” Jaebum asked and Bambam nodded, he took a few sips.

”What time is it?” Bambam asked. ”Four in the morning,” Jaebum replied and Bambam nodded. He had once again worried all his friends and caused a scene. And so early in the morning! He woke up them all, it was all his fault.

”Bambam,” Jaebum said and Bambam looked up. ”It's okay, don't blame yourself,” he continued. Of course Jaebum would know what Bambam was thinking. 

”Your fingers are bleeding, Bam, we need to get those cleaned. And make sure there's no glass in them,” Mark said and was suddenly standing next to Jaebum. Bambam nodded and followed Mark as he was helped up.

 

Bambam sat on Mark's lap in the bathroom as Jinyoung cleaned the cuts and wrapped them with band-aids.

”I haven't taken my meds in two weeks,” Bambam confessed quietly. He was feeling guilty. Jinyoung stopped for a second before continuing. ”Okay. Why?” he asked. 

”I thought I was fine. I hadn't had… An attack for like a month,” Bambam said and Jinyoung nodded. ”It doesn't work like that, Bambam. You need to take your meds, from now on. Have you told Jia?” Jia was Bambam's therapist. Bambam shook his head. 

”Talk to her about this, you know it helps,” Jinyoung said. ”I will,” Bambam promised and he wasn't lying.

 

”Let's just go back to sleep, we still have a lot of time to sleep,” Jaebum said once everything was cleaned. Everyone agreed. Jackson and Youngjae already looked like they were gonna fall over.

”Hyung, can I sleep with you?” Bambam asked Jaebum and the leader nodded with a smile. Yugyeom pouted next to Bambam and grabbed his hand, ”I'm coming too,” he said and Jaebum rolled his eyes. And so Bambam ended up sleeping squeezed between Jaebum and Yugyeom.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Leave kudos and your thoughts in the comments! (With sensitive subjects like this, I'm scared of the feedback so be nice omg)
> 
> ++ Check out my other Got7/Bambam fics!! :D


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